Phone calls have been around for 147 years, the iPhone 16 years and FaceTime video voice mails about a week. Not surprisingly, how we make calls has changed drastically alongside advances in technology. The phone norms also change quickly, causing some people to feel left behind or confused.

We spoke to an etiquette expert and people of all ages about their own phone pet peeves to come up with the following guidance to help everyone navigate phone calls in 2023. These will vary depending on your relationship, your age and the context of the call. The closer you are to someone, the less the rules apply. Go ahead, FaceTime your mom with no warning while brushing your teeth.

Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text messages. If you have information that needs to be communicated in an accurate, timely manner, you’re far better off putting it into writing as a text or email.

The exceptions for the no-voice-mail rule are calling people who would love to hear your voice no matter what you’re saying, or sharing some kind of audio experience. Think besties and immediate family members, singing happy birthday, a dispatch from friends at a Taylor Swift concert or a simple “I love you.” If you have a long juicy story you want to tell, consider sending it in a voice memo instead.

Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient. Instead, text them ahead of time to ask if they’re free to talk now, if they can you call when they’re free, or if they can pick a time they’d like to chat. If it’s someone you call regularly, find out what their ideal times are, like after work or only on Sunday afternoons.

Wording and context are key for these precall texts. A simple “call me” text can feel urgent and make someone think there’s an emergency. Clarify if it’s urgent or just to catch-up. If it’s about a specific topic, mention it in the text what it is you’d like to talk about so they can be prepared. Catching someone on video at an unexpected time can be embarrassing for all involved. You should almost never start a FaceTime or other video call without warning.

The responsibility isn’t only on the person dialing. Just because someone is calling you out of the blue does not mean you have to pick up.

“We all have control of our phones and can decide if it’s the right time to answer it,” said Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-president at the Emily Post Institute. “If someone interrupts you and you’re ticked off about it, guess whose fault that is? You’re the one who answered the call when you shouldn’t.”

Many things don’t need to be a phone call at all. When you’re trying to decide on the best method of communication, consider what it is you want to say. Anything requiring nuance like opinions or emotional matters are best done over the phone, including arguments, catching up or connecting on a personal level. Factual updates, coordinating plans or anything that is more cut and dried often work best in writing. If something is complicated and will drag on too long as a text chain, go ahead and ask if they can talk. “Nobody has a good fight via text message,” says Post

Prop your phone up someplace so that your full face fills the screen, not just your forehead and nose, and stay put until the call is over. If you want to wander around and do chores while talking, switch to a voice call.

Phone calls aren’t dead! While hopping on the phone may be less common or involve more planning than it used to, it’s still a wonderful way to communicate. Talking to a person in real time can strengthen relationships, improve mental health and lessen loneliness.

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